Following a long, protracted period of negotiation Jack Burns Race Wheels founder Jack Burns announced today that the entire assets and business of long-time competitor Huck & Chuck Enterprises has been acquired. Founded in the late 1990’s JBRW has long been known for a non-existent line of competitive race wheels. The product line has consisted of nothing more substantial than gilded vaporware. The expanded entity will be known from this point forward as Jack Burns Race Wheels and Huck & Chuck Enterprises or JaB/RaW/Huk/ChukE.
The acquisition of Huck & Chuck Enterprises promises to expand the product line by adding the non-existent clothing and performance vehicle parts as promoted by Huck & Chuck Enterprises. It is hoped that this merger will result in a more cohesive product line and strategy for the twenty-first century.
In a follow up to this piece, Huck & Chuck co-founder, Charlie Davis, was unavailable for comment but was last seen crying in his beer because he was an abject failure as an autocrosser as well as a horrible business man. Jack Burns was also unavailable for comment but was last heard talking to his wife, “Christ, Pat…�
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Clearly, Jack Burns Global Enterprises, dba Jack Burns Race Wheels, is a forward thinking solid corporation. During these difficult times of questionable Presidential decisions and a faltering economy, CEO Jack Burns has the assets and fortitude to lead his corporations forward. On behalf of all his employees… We would like to congratulate Mr. Burns on his continued success, and also thank him for our extremely generous bonuses!
The astute observer wll note that this was posted on April 1. Hint, hint! Yes, Jack Burns has the assets, but the one with the (intestinal) fortitude to post such a preposterous claim is none other than the Fessler woman herself. Let’s clear up a couple of things. 1) The Huck & CHuck clothing line is a reality. We have fully 100+ shirts and hats out there! 2) It’s very easy to state that someone could not be reached for comment when you only tried by smoke signals. Huck & CHuck certainly has a comment, though hand gestures somehow get lost in translation. H&CEnt wishes JBRW all the best in their business ventures and sincerely hope that Burns’ multiple lawsuits against Fessler are proven in court.
Christ, CHuck–
You swore this would never happen! The very idea of JB running his stubby little fingers all over our fine products gives me the willies. And that Fessler woman–damn, did it just get cold in here, or what?
I’m only consoled by the knowledge that this makes up for that one time when I lost all of my H&C stock in low stakes Texas Hold’em tourney in a Taiwanese house of ill repute. Although, truly, it was your shining moment. You had to save my, um, “bacon” by trading your own, shall we say, “comfort” for our stock, one share at a time. Who’da thunk that “Charrene da Srightry Chubby Rady” would have been so popular with the Taiwanese Navy? Anyway, I know I never thanked you for taking it on the chin (and elsewhere) for my sake, but now that you’ve gone and let this happen…just a sec…my phone’s ringing…
I’ve been informed by our attorney, Nathan Therm, that indeed, our stock is safe, and that this has proven to be merely a case of massively wishful thinking on the part of JBRW. To say I’m relieved doesn’t begin to express…
After your selfless acts in Taiwan, and knowing the low moral fabric of that Fessler woman, I was truly chagrined to think of what I might have to do to get our stock back. Frightened, even. But after all, we are brothers, and it’s just the kind of tit for tat that siblings can always count on each other for. But in fairness, all the tats on the entire Taiwanese Navy couldn’t make up that Fessler woman and her…well, you know.
I gotta go now, the nurse is coming by with my afternoon candies and if she sees me typing anything other than asdfasdfasdfasdf she’ll probably start making sure I swallow again…last time that happened I wound up on the SEB, let Vipers into Stock, and reclassified my own car out of existence.
–Huck
You must log in to post a comment.